Skip to main content
  1. Home
  2. Stages

Parental power struggles: How to avoid clashing with your child

Scott Harris
By
Mom and daughter superhero
PR Image Factory/Shutterstock

They’re as unpleasant as they are inevitable. Nothing dispels domestic bliss and raises a parent’s blood pressure like power struggles with their children.

Power struggles come in many shapes and sizes and are a normal part of the parent-child dynamic. At their core, familial power struggles are simple to understand. A child wants to get his or her way, the parent refuses to relent, and the resulting impasse leads to all manner of conflict — from raised voices to stamping feet to disciplinary action.

Recommended Videos

The most common advice for this situation — stay cool! — is much easier to give than it is to follow. Yes, parents indeed need to remain calm and not take the bait of an all-out argument. Still, parents can do lots of practical things to gain and remain in control while finding a solution that doesn’t cause unnecessary frustration or tears.

Related

Here are some tips and tactics that can help you navigate the next power struggle with your kids, be they big or small.

Don’t make matters worse

Always remember that you’re the grown-up in the situation. Sometimes arguments escalate and take on a life of their own, detracting from the core issue — cleaning up toys in the living room, for example, or curbing excessive screen time. This dynamic is pure quicksand for any productive conversation.

Image used with permission by copyright holder

When an argument spirals out of control, it can become a test of wills, with the child (and maybe the parents) feeding off their emotions in the moment rather than holding a more measured discussion about the matter at hand.

Remember that a power struggle is just that—a struggle. Stay away from that dynamic and stay focused on the actual challenge by avoiding a tit-for-tat.

Address the problem together

Make your child an ally in the process. If they disagree with what you’re asking them to do or how you’re asking them to do it, don’t fall back on the “because I said so” mentality.

Even though you’re the parent in the equation, remember that you can’t actually control anyone else — only yourself.

That said, it’s important not to give away your authority. But you can retain your parental power while asking the child a very simple question: How would you solve this problem?

Inviting them to contribute shows you trust them while giving them the power and control over their environment that kids crave. This joint approach to problem – solving empowers them to make a difference both in their lives and the wider household. You might be surprised by how eager they become to help when their help is solicited, and the my-way-or-the-highway approach is abandoned.

Don’t threaten or beg

If you’ve ever tried begging or pleading with your child, you know how futile the effort can be. It essentially relinquishes your control of the situation.

Likewise, bellicose threats can scare them or pour gasoline on the proverbial fire. It is also possible that you can undermine yourself as a parent if you make threats that aren’t backed up with the appropriate disciplinary actions.

A father and daughter make up
The Faces/Shutterstock

Be prepared to punish

There are proactive and effective ways of disciplining children. Consider punishment a last resort. Here are some punishment do’s and don’ts to keep in mind.

Don’t wait for an argument to crop up before you consider enforcement options. Also, keep in mind that every child and situation is different, so customize these reprimands based on your unique situation. Remember that the goal is not to “hurt” or “get back at” your child, but to get their attention and enforce the boundaries you’ve set for them and the household.

Disciplinary Do’s

  • Give them choices (“you can play with the toy the right way, or we can put it away for the rest of the week”).
  • Take away electronic devices, including phones or video games, for a set period of time.
  • Take away toys (focus on toys that are important to them, but not ones they might need for sleep or to soothe themselves).
  • Restrict TV time or access to a favorite show or streaming service. Again, establish a set period of time, rather than making the punishment open-ended.
  • Establish a curfew or otherwise restrict leisure activities or time with friends

Disciplinary Don’ts

  • Do not take away electronics they need for school.
  • Do not withhold meals.
  • Do not alter sleeping arrangements (e.g., making them sleep on the floor).
  • Do not limit access to important school and extra-curricular activities.

Editors' Recommendations

Topics
Scott Harris
Scott Harris
Contributor
Scott Harris is a freelance writer based near Washington, DC, with more than a decade of experience covering health…
These 4 pre-nap routines will help your child sleep peacefully
Here's some advice to help your baby nap better
Infant boy sleeping on bed

Any parent or caregiver can tell you how important nap time is. Not only does it allow your little one to get the rest they need, but it also helps give everyone a much-needed break. Frankly, getting kids to nap during the infant and toddler years is an important caregiver skill that can help maintain everyone’s sanity. Dealing with toddlers who refuse sleep, can be frustrating for everyone involved.

While it may take a few tries and even more adjustments, once you develop a solid baby nap time routine, your little one will be sleeping like a baby. Keep reading for four great pre-nap routines for every age and stage.

Read more
Is your kid screaming for no reason? Here are ways to deal with a screaming child’s behavior
There are easy ways to handle this behavior if your kid has hit this stage
Young girl is screaming with fingers in her ears.

When your kid won't stop screaming, it makes you want to scream, too. Tension is high, frustration is bubbling, and parents feel entirely hopeless, like they've lost control. If the behavior happens again and again, it's enough to drive you up the walls. Dealing with a screaming child's behavior is definitely one of the least favorite things for a parent to do.
Don't worry, there are ways to deal with this situation so you'll both feel better! Your child is feeling just as frustrated as you are, and with patience and understanding, you'll get to a place where you both remain calm. With these tips and some expert advice, your house will be a quieter space soon. A screaming child's behavior doesn't have to leave the whole house in tears, and here's how to get that to happen.

How to get your child to stop screaming
When your child won't stop screaming, the first thing to do is stay calm. The situation is enough to make you want to scream yourself and that is not going to get your child to stop. Take a deep breath and tap into remembering your child needs help expressing emotions and needs you as the parent to get them there. They're not doing this to annoy you or provoke you. They're a child who hasn't developed to a point where they know to do anything else.

Read more
7-Up: What’s the game and how to play it
Do you remember how to play 7-Up?
Five kids each giving a thumb-up

Raise your hand if you have played the 7-Up game in school? Hands should be shooting up all around because 7-Up is an elementary-school classroom classic. The popular school game is also known as Heads Up, 7-Up, Heads Down, Thumbs Down, or Thumbs Up, 7Up. Regardless of what you called the game as a kid, most parents are familiar with the format and the kiddos just can't get enough. The majority of elementary-school educators have led a round or two of 7-Up at some point in their teaching careers.

Seven-Up is also a summer camp staple on rainy days. It’s an easy game to get going and a fun way to keep a group of children occupied, especially when waiting or transitioning to another activity. To play, you need at least 14 kids, which is what makes it an ideal school or camp game. Seven-Up can certainly be played with less kids, but it's not as much fun. So, are you ready to get those thumbs up? Let's learn how to play Heads Up, 7-Up.

Read more