Skip to main content

NewFolks may earn a commission when you buy through links on our site.

Common reasons siblings fight and are constantly at each other’s throats

If you have children, then you have sibling arguments. Why do siblings fight? And what don’t they fight about? The reality is siblings argue over most things including who is going to get their flu shot first. Sounds crazy right? As parents, we’ve seen those types of absurd arguments take place. Kids fight when they’re stuck in the house on rainy days, on vacation, in the car, walking home from school, or just because. The list goes on and as parents it’s extremely frustrating and disappointing. Those images of your children blissfully playing together or cheering one another on often seem like a fantasy. So, what is a parent to do?

mom talking to fighting siblings
Danik Prihodko / Pexels

Accept the fact children will fight

An observational research study noted arguments between siblings can occur as often as eight times a hour. Why so often? Sibling rivalry is typically at the root of conflicts between brothers and sisters. All parents have seen sibling rivalry in action. It comes in different forms. Think name-calling, tattling, hiding a favorite toy, poking, or the always annoying “he’s looking at me wrong”. If you have more than one child, it is important to come to grips with the fact that they are going to argue. Many factors come into play with sibling rivalry including birth order, personality, changes in the home, and age. There is hope though. While sibling rivalry never really goes away, it does tend to decrease with age according to Professor Mark Ethan Feinberg from the Penn State University. Feinberg stated in an article on sibling rivalry for the New York Times, that battles tend to level off in the teen years and peak during the preschool, elementary, and tween years.

Recommended Videos

Why do siblings fight?

There is of course no hard and fast reason as to why siblings choose to throw down over such seemingly silly things. Sometimes arguments erupt over boredom. Annoying a sibling can be entertaining. Starting an argument with a sibling garners attention. It doesn’t matter if the attention is negative. The reaction from the sibling and parents is still attention. According to the Center for Parental Education, other reasons siblings fight include trying to get a sibling in trouble to gain favor or to exert power.

What does fighting with siblings teach?

Are your children learning life lessons from all of the squabbles with their siblings? The simple answer is yes. As hard as it is to hear your children constantly at each other’s throats, they are learning valuable life lessons like compromising, negotiating, conflict resolution skills, and assertiveness. As a parent, the urge is to jump right in when battles erupt, but the reality is it’s sometimes better to sit back and let the argument play out.

When to intervene?

Regardless of age differences, siblings are going to fight. It doesn’t matter if your children are close in age or have years in between. It’s important to know when to step in and when to let children handle the conflict on their own. If the arguments are typical and haven’t escalated, cast a watchful eye, but stay out of it. When conflicts begin to become heated with harsh words or physical interactions, it is time to become involved. Physical or emotional abuse at the hands of a sibling is never okay.

Establish ground rules

In order to help manage the sibling battleground, it’s vital to have house rules when it comes to dealing with conflicts. Helping children to understand and apply the rules starts with modeling by parents and caregivers. Ground rules that are helpful in managing sibling conflicts include:

  • Talking without raised voices
  • No name-calling
  • No hitting, kicking, or punching
  • No tattling to get a sibling in trouble
  • No taking a sibling’s possessions without asking
  • Being respectful

Model conflict resolution

Another way to help navigate the challenging world of sibling conflicts is to help them learn how to resolve issues. Like modeling ground rules, kids learn how to fight fair by observing parents and caregivers. When a child is angry at a sibling, teach them to count to ten, take deep breaths, or step away to calm down before attempting to settle a dispute. Showing siblings how to listen to each other is another important coping skill that can diffuse arguments before they escalate. When a fight is heated, help kids to take a moment to settle down before each sibling shares their feelings regarding the situation.

mom frustrated with two kids fighting
Image used with permission by copyright holder

Other ways to diffuse the constant battles

The Center for Parent Education offers parents additional suggestions on how to mitigate those inevitable arguments.

  • Remove the object the siblings are fighting over.
  • When siblings are constantly getting on each other’s nerves, separate them, but without punishment.
  • Don’t condone tattling.
  • Try and make any consequences fit the situation. For example, if the argument is over who gets to sit up front, neither one does.
  • Don’t compare children or show favoritism.

If you have more than one child, there are going to be conflicts. While you are never going to completely eliminate sibling arguments, there are ways to lessen it. Stay out of the conflicts that are harmless and avoid rewarding tattling. Don’t try to force your children to be friends. Perhaps that relationship will evolve over time. Instead, focus on teaching siblings to respect one another and their feelings. Set up house rules for everyone to follow. Doing so helps teach kids how to resolve issues in a positive way.

Dawn Miller
Dawn Miller began her professional life as an elementary school teacher before returning to her first love, writing. In…
The ultimate guide to your child’s first sleepover
A guide for everyone to have the best time
Kids at a sleepover

In the blink of an eye, milestones will go from first steps to first words to bigger ones, like the first day of school and the first birthday party invite. Some will be harder for the kids than the parents, but one that could bring stress to both sides is the first sleepover.

It can be scary for the child to be away from home for the first time, and parents could spend the whole night awake worrying if the child is OK. To ensure an easier transition for this big step, here is the ultimate guide for your child's first sleepover, so you all have a worry-free time and enjoy the new experience.
Talk it out before the sleepover

Read more
7 fun, creative ways to leave signs the Easter Bunny came
Give kids a big surprise this Easter with these fun bunny ideas
Easter treats and decorations on a table

Easter is a holiday kids look forward to. Of course, it is an important religious holiday for Christians around the world, but for children it's the Easter Bunny that gets the hype. There are visits to the mall to sit on his lap for photos. Those fabulous baskets packed with chocolate, sweet treats, and other goodies. Who doesn't love dying the eggs and finally there are the egg hunts. Now, much like the big guy in red up at the North Pole, the Easter Bunny has been hopping his way across the globe delivering eggs and chocolate for centuries. Unlike his winter counterpart though he does it without the sleigh, reindeer, elves, and Mrs. Claus. So, let's face it. His details are kind of under the radar. 

According to TrackEasterBunny.com, the Easter Bunny lives on, you guessed it, Easter Island -- a remote island in the Pacific Ocean. The island was discovered by Dutch explorer Jacob Roggeveen on an Easter Sunday way back in the 1700s. Its faraway location is a favorite of the Easter Bunny, who is said to appreciate his privacy. All the questions and hiding from the paparazzi might make it difficult for kids, especially older ones, to believe in the Easter Bunny. Let's face it without a sleigh, he really does hop in and out. He's got a lot of ground to cover.

Read more
Video game addiction in teens: 6 signs to watch for
Signs your teen's video game playing is becoming a problem
Teens having fun playing video games

Parents have never been more concerned with screen time, and video games are a large part of that. If you have a teen who is constantly online, you may be worried about video game addiction. Gaming addiction is a difficult issue to address, and even more difficult to diagnose. Video games give kids an outlet to play with friends and make new ones, but it can become worrying when they don't seem to know when to put the controller down. Defining when loving video games crosses into a disorder is tricky, but there are criteria and gaming addiction symptoms to look for.

Screen time increased by nearly 500% during the pandemic, which means you may be naturally concerned about your own teenager's screen time. How much is too much and what are the concerning behaviors to watch out for besides the number of hours? We've looked at the diagnostic criteria and scientific studies so you can figure out what to worry about, what not to worry about, and what you can do if you think your teen has an addiction.
What is gaming addiction?

Read more