No one sets out to have kids and hopes it will end in separate homes, having to co-parent with someone who used to be on your team. Even the best co-parents run into situations where arguments and disagreements happen. To help keep your head on straight and get through the journey of co-parenting, follow these tips so your side of things stays fair.
Tips on how to be with your co-parent
We will stay in the neutral zone of divorce, but these are great tips even if you have a good co-parenting relationship. They are especially handy if you do not.
Communicate without emotion
To keep the kids out of the middle, practice communicating without emotion. Act like you are relaying information to a stranger who has nothing to do with the situation. Speak the facts, only respond to questions relating to custody, and leave all feelings at the door.
But make sure you communicate
If you would want the other parent to tell you about it, tell them. Put activities and appointments on the calendar, share school-related information, and let the other parent know anything you would want to know. This is not the same as sharing everything your child did, like how many times they went to the bathroom. But give the courtesy for the co-parent to have the knowledge about any information they couldn’t get on their own or that you scheduled for the child.
Always listen
Even if you don’t agree with a single word that comes out of the other parent’s mouth, listen to what they say. Once you take emotion out of it, you might realize what they are saying isn’t off base. Listen for comprehension, and don’t just wait until they are done talking so you can start.
Tips on how to be with the kids
The most successful co-parenting teams still have challenges. But no matter where your status with your co-parent lands from day to day, it is all about those children.
Be the consistent one
You have no control over the other parent. Read that again. All you can control is how you react and how you are with the child. Be a consistent presence. Be the consistent support. Be a consistent safe space. Control what you can — which is how you are when the kids are in your care.
Don’t talk about the other parent
Anyone who has an ex that resulted in a child has had not-so-pleasant thoughts about that other adult. Keep it in your head. Write it down in a journal. Tell your best friend. Do not say your thoughts about the other parent in front of the child, no matter how much you may want to or how true it is. Your child doesn’t deserve to hear anything like that from either parent.
Make decisions based on the children
You might want to veto every idea that comes from the co-parent. But you need to ask yourself if saying no just to reject the other parent is hurting the child or not. Don’t make any decision based on how it makes you feel about the co-parent. All decisions should be in the best interests of the child.
The children aren’t messengers
A child should never be the go-between. They should never have to relay information from one parent to the other or ask one parent a question the other parent won’t ask themselves. Putting the children in the middle is not only against a lot of state parenting time guidelines, but it puts stress on the kids. Leave them out of it.
Tips for yourself
Whether you see yourself as finally free from the other adult or are sad you’re no longer partners, being the best co-parent you can be means taking care of yourself.
Learn to let go
This may be the hardest tip to sink in, but you have to learn to let it go. You cannot control what goes on in the other house. You cannot control how the other parent treats you. Unfortunately, you cannot control how the other parent treats the children. If you don’t learn to let the control go when the children aren’t with you, you will go insane.
Don’t forget about who you are
It all starts and ends with you on how your children see you after the split. Work on yourself. Go for walks, take a class at the library, learn to meditate, or put on the saddest movie and cry for two hours. Whatever you need to do to take care of yourself will help you be a better co-parent.
Only communicate and respond about the child
Unless it concerns the child and needs an answer for an important decision or is part of any court-ordered exchange, do not engage. The other person is no longer privy to your personal life, and you shouldn’t ask them questions about theirs if it doesn’t affect the children. Save yourself the stress and drama and only stick to important information about the kids.
These tips for co-parenting won’t solve everything and won’t guarantee the other parent follows the same courtesy. We want to help you on your co-parenting path, and the best advice is to control what you can on your side of the road. Put your child first, and you will get through anything that comes your way when having to co-parent.
