Skip to main content
  1. Home
  2. Stages

Is defiant teen behavior what it really is? Here’s what else could be behind your teen’s attitude

The reason for defiant teen behavior isn't always what you think

Dannielle Beardsley
By

There’s a reason we call 3-year-olds “threenagers.” If you have a teenager in the house, you’re probably experiencing a higher-than-normal attitude. But is your teenager trying to make both of you cry every day? Well, no, they really aren’t. Your teenager’s behavior doesn’t mean the obvious is going on with them. We’re here to help you decipher your teen’s defiant behavior, so everybody will live in harmony again.

Parents sitting on either side of teen and scolding her

Defiance is normal

It may not always be a drag-out WWE match, but your teen will give you pushback. Your teenager is getting ready to become an adult, but still isn’t able to think through responsibility and consequences. It’s not your fault, and it’s not your teen’s fault. It’s a part of growing up, and we all went through it.

Father talking to a teen
c

Reasons for the defiance

It’s so important to know why your teen is being defiant. While we can’t list all of the reasons, we’ll go over a few.

Recommended Videos

Yes, it’s the hormones

Oh, those teenager hormones are something, and they are absolutely driving your teen crazy. This translates to them not knowing what to do other than make your life crazy.

Related

A fix

Lots of parent-to-child talks need to happen to help them understand why they’re having these feelings. There are also great books about teenage hormones for them to have for constant reference.

They want to compare you

Your teen has heard their friends talk about how their parents treat them. They want to see if you’re a better or worse parent — in their eyes — than their friend’s parents.

A fix

Go over with your teen that all families are different. Let them know you’re open to ideas and suggestions if there’s something they want to discuss.

They need more love, but don’t want to ask

They want more attention at home, but don’t want you to know they do. They miss you but would never admit it.

A fix

Schedule one-on-one time. Whether it’s a date you took them on when they were little to give them that sense of security, or a weekend road trip, give them your full attention to rebuild that bond.

They are scared to ask

Asking permission as a teen isn’t easy. Teens feel personally rejected if told no, no matter the reason why.

A fix

Rather than giving a hard no, talk out a middle-ground solution. If that day doesn’t work, look for alternatives together. If it’s something that’s too expensive, look for a cheaper option or see if you could make it. They’ll stop being scared to ask if they know you’ll compromise.

If for any reason, you think your teen’s defiance is getting extreme, seek outside help. Raising a teenager will test everyone’s limits, and that’s OK. With patience, understanding — and maybe a lot of coffee — you’ll help your teen navigate this chapter in their life, and everyone will come out more understanding of each other.

Editors' Recommendations

Dannielle Beardsley
Dannielle Beardsley
Contributor
Dannielle has written for various websites, online magazines, and blogs. She loves everything celebrity and her favorite…
Is middle child syndrome really a thing? We’ll shed some light on this concept
If you have more than two children, see if middle child syndrome might be lurking in your household
A group of young children at an activity table.

Every child is different, but if you have more than two children, you may find yourself wondering if middle child syndrome is really a thing. There are endless reports and studies about birth order and the various characteristics assigned to those based on where they fall in their family's lineup. While these reports typically characterize the oldest children as responsible leaders and the youngest children as indulged creatives, middle children are often labeled as the forgotten children.

While no parent wants to admit they treat any of their children differently, there does seem to be a lot of evidence to support middle child syndrome. If you have a middle child, you're one yourself, or you're wondering if you should have another child, we have information about middle child syndrome that may help shed light on the situation so you can see for yourself if you think it's true.

Read more
7 awesome podcasts dedicated to surviving the hell of parenting teens
Best parenting teen podcasts to survive raising a teenager
father and teen having a talk on a bench

Didn't think the terrible twos were that terrible? Well, buckle up because the toddler years are going to seem like a walk in the park compared to the teen years. If you have kids, you've probably heard the saying "little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems." It usually comes from parents of teens or grown children giving parents of younger kids an ominous warning wrapped up in a saying meant to provide sage advice. Perhaps ominous is too strong of a word unless, of course, your children have already hit the teen years. In which case, grab a stress ball and take up running or yoga because you're going to need it. Remember those terrible twos or threes? You will definitely think back fondly on those times during the dreaded teen years.

Having a sense of humor as a parent of teens is actually important, since adolescence is a tough road to navigate. Teens are going through physical, emotional, cognitive, and social changes during this confusing time. Saying it isn't easy is an understatement, especially since parents often take the brunt of teen mood swings. It isn't all doom and gloom, though, because there are ways for parents of teens to learn how to travel the bumpy road of adolescence too.

Read more
Is your toddler hitting others? What you can do to stop this bad behavior
If you have a toddler hitting others, here's how to get through it, what to do, and what not to do as a parent
Toddler boy crying

When a toddler hits, it throws parents for a loop. It is especially stressful when a toddler hits others for no reason they see or hits another child at day care. You might find yourself wondering what could be going on with your little one. But as babies grow from infants to toddlers, they develop more emotions and opinions. And though it seems like the toddler is hitting for no reason, the truth is it often becomes a way for them to express those emotions.
While toddlers hitting others could be a scary stage for a child and parent, there are ways to work through it together. We'll go over why your toddler is hitting other kids, how to get them to stop, and what parents need to remember during this stage in your child's life.

A few reasons why your child will hit
They see others doing it
Hitting is a learned behavior. Perhaps a sibling is hitting your toddler at home, and your toddler is turning around and doing it to other kids at day care (or vice versa). As adults, we know this behavior isn’t nice. We want to convey that to our children so they don’t hit at day care, home, or anywhere.
There is a language barrier
“[Toddlers] have very low impulse control because they are just babies, and they are learning how to control their body and emotions,” said Ann McKitrick, M.S., an early childhood specialist and founder of Nurtured Noggins. “They simply don’t have the words yet to express what they want to express. A hit expresses what they feel in a very effective way … they are learning that they have a little bit of personal power.”
Toddlers understand words, but they don’t always know how to use them. “Their receptive vocabulary is high,” McKitrick said. “Their expressive vocabulary is not.” McKitrick suggests teaching your child sign language (or finding a day care that does this as many will). Learning signs for words like stop, no, and angry helps toddlers communicate more productively and stops them from hitting.

Read more