If you had siblings growing up, you know the kind of fighting that can go down. From screaming at each other to get out of their room — even if they share the same room — to fighting over who gets to sit in the front seat, siblings will start an argument over anything.
When the siblings are teens, the smallest thing can set them off to start a battle that could involve everyone in the home. To keep the peace, understand why teen fighting happens in the first place and learn how to diffuse the situation to create a more relaxed atmosphere at home.
What to know about teens fighting
Parents need to know that all siblings will fight. If you didn’t have siblings growing up, it might seem mean, but all siblings argue. It might feel like it gets worse as the children become teens, but that’s because it does. A better range of vocabulary and heightened hormones don’t help things.
Not only do all siblings fight, but it is healthy and normal. No one, at any age, gets through life without conflict. Just because your teens seem like they are constantly starting something with each other doesn’t mean they are bad or wrong. Your teens fighting doesn’t mean they don’t love each other; it just means they don’t like each other at that moment.
Why teens fight
- One teen takes something that belongs to the other.
- One kid feels they aren’t getting the same attention as the other sibling.
- One child feels like they want more independence.
- One or neither teen knows how to effectively communicate.
The root of fighting is miscommunication or no communication, which spills over into every other reason siblings battle it out. Instead of asking to borrow that hoodie, one child goes into the room of another and just takes it. One sibling thinks a parent is favoring the other teen. The older teen feels like they should have more independence. Whatever the conflict is, the lack of communication behind the situation is the thread that was pulled, causing things to unravel.
What parents can do
- Don’t always jump in to solve the fight.
- Make sure neither sibling is being abusive or is bullying the other.
- Be on the lookout for a deeper reason for the fight, like depression, aggression, or stress.
While the initial reaction is to jump in and get the children to stop fighting, you have to let them work it out. Think of the fighting teens as boxers, and you, as the parent, the ringmaster. You aren’t jumping in right away, but you have to pay attention. If the teens don’t get to see if they can solve their own problems, they won’t develop that skill set for later in life.
But don’t ignore the fighting. You want to make sure the arguing is fair, with neither child hurting the other on purpose. You want to watch out for unintentional signs of one teen causing the other pain, like stress, anxiety, or depression.
How parents can help keep the peace in the home
- Focus on calming the emotions before anything else.
- Help the teens figure out the root of the fight.
- Listen to each side to navigate a compromise.
- Remember how the fight was deescalated and resolved for next time.
While you will never be able to prevent fights completely, you can help maintain a balance in the home as much as possible, even if a conflict arises. Learn how to calm each child’s emotional side before doing anything. No one wants to listen while still in that hot-headed stage. Once everyone is calm, you want to help the teens figure out what the fight was even about. You may find out each child is upset over a different reason, which is the problem.
As the parent, listen to both sides patiently. There are always two sides, and it is not always one is wrong and one is right. Once a compromise or solution has been reached, remember or write down how the situation was successfully resolved. While not every fight works out the same way, it may be helpful for the next round. Working through the fight in a calm manner will show the kids that arguing will happen, but it doesn’t have to tear the whole house apart and divide the family.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help
If your teens are your oldest children, you’re learning each stage and age as it comes. If you have friends with children older than yours, ask how they handle teen fighting. Even if you don’t agree with it, it’s helpful to get another viewpoint. If things get really bad, as in physical altercations, damage to property, or situations you cannot handle on your own, there are plenty of options for professional help.
Preteens, tweens, and teens want to know where their new boundaries are as a more independent and grown-up person, and there is no person better to test that on than their sibling. This is also an age where parents need to start taking steps back and let the kids figure some things out for themselves.
Your kids are growing up and continuing their journey to adulthood, which is the goal. If you have teens fighting under your roof, put yourself on standby to jump in when needed, but know at this age, your children should be capable of working out their differences in a mostly civil manner. You just might have to listen to an argument or two along the way.
